I know that I cannot summarize the last seven years in a blog post.... so I'm not even going to try. Let's just say the light burned out.... WAY out! I was in a spiral of darkness where my health is concerned. I've spent the last several months preparing and working toward regaining my health. I have a LONG way to go. Further to go than I even have in my life, but at least I'm headed in the right direction.
I finally decided I was ready to take on healthy eating. I texted Lisa Boucher, the trainer I worked with years ago. I was so nervous and embarrassed but she pointed me in the direction of things I already knew and assured me that I could do it. I have been eating healthfully for the last two weeks and I'm down about 8 pounds. I feel better already. I have had some bumps in the road and I wanted to document some of the feelings I've been having. I'll copy below some texts that I have sent to Lisa, and maybe some that she has replied to me.
To Lisa (on September 12 2017): I am finally on a place where the embarrassment of where I have allowed my health to slip is outweighed by the desire to figure my life out again. I have almost contacted you several times. I need a mentor I need someone who can tell me the truth when I need to hear it and I need someone who believes in whole grains and real food fruits and vegetables and lean meats. I need a mentor who can help me address my addiction to food.
You know my reaching out to you is so embarrassing! And out of desperation... But I have to do something and I realize that I just can't do it on my own
I need somebody to be accountable to, weighing in for example.... reporting what I'm eating to.... I also need somebody who I can call or text to ask questions (sometimes that I already know the answer to but need reassurance on) somebody who will encourage me but realize that I'm human and not let me let my perfectionism get in the way. I don't know if maybe that's just too much to ask of a person LOL
I know cognitively what I'm supposed to do.... I have done it but I need to start back at the basics. And I think reminders of the basics are not a bad thing either.
To Lisa September 13, 2017:
I have to be honest and say I"m super scared! I remember the withdrawals vividly. I know what I'm about to undertake and it is not easy.... And not short term. And I had my workouts to fall back on before I don't have that now. It hurts to move much , it's almost scary to move. I'm weak, my balance is poor, and I'm carrying too much weight to do a lot of the the things I used to do. here I am again facing food addiction head on! *Deep breaths* I appreciate you being willing to mentor me through this again.
Response from Lisa:
You got this Teresa! If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you. A year will go by whether or not you take care of yourself. But if you DO take care of yourself, at the end of the year you will be a DIFFERENT person. You will have your health, your stamina, strength. you are your best project. That is the truth.
Me:
It is true! I can't believe it's been 8 years since we worked together the first time! I've been seeing time hop posts on Facebook about two-a-day workouts and things like that. WOW! Time to live now!
September 14
To Lisa:
Oh my word! I am so ornery when I'm hungry!!!!
From Lisa:
Hahahaha It'll pass. The first 3ish days are the hardest. Drink drink drink 1/2 your body weight in ounces-remember?
Me: I was mentally prepared but not really prepared... I remember how hard it was but it's harder than I remember... Doest htat make sense. I'm going to therapy too. I am making good connections about how and why I have used food to cope. Now I just need to learn other coping strategies.
Lisa: Yes, I hear that a lot from people who have fallen off the wagon and want to get back on. Give it time. It's a lifestyle, trust the process, keep on keeping on.
September 15 2017,
Me (to Lisa): I already feel like I am fueling my body better. I am eating to plan and feel like I am getting back into the groove. A lot of things I never let go of eg. I still use whole grains, brown rice, a variety of vegetables, (like who knows how to use kale? But I do!) So some things are easier for me this time because I already have them on hand. Oh.... like my plant based protein powder I already had and steel cut oats. I'm really wondering what makes the switch turn on??? Why can I do it now when just days and weeks ago I just didn't feel like I could, like it was not possilbe for me! And now it is. Knowing what flips that switch would be a real money maker!
Lisa: Don't forget, you also reached out to me as a way to keep yourself accountable. Sometimes that helps too.
September 16 2017
Me: Deep breaths! I had a HUGE salad for lunch... My brain is messing with me. I can feel that I'm stuffed but can't stop thinking about other foods, mostly carbs. UGH!
Lisa: You're detoxing.
Me: Yes I am! my head hurts. I'm not going to give up, I just know it's happening and it sucks.
Lisa: A couple more days and it'll get better.
September 18, 2017
Me: I'm really proud of the way I have handled my nutrition for the last 3 days but I have to be honest that making this grocery list and thinking about the week to come is quite daunting to me.
Lisa: Don't over think things. One day at a time. You can do tomorrow. Focus on that.
September 19, 2017
Me: So it's been a week since I contacted you. I got started right away at feeding my body appropriately. I couldn't admit that I had let myself get over 300 pounds so I just told you that is where I was. Well today the scale said 299.8 and I've lost at least 6 pounds. Man I have conflicting feelings because I'm so proud of myself for starting and follwoing trhgouh, while being embarrassed that I let myself go. I was in survival mode for at least two years fighting a depression I didn't recognize or understand. So her I am, getting back to myself.
....
Me responding to questions from Lisa:
I've been walking with friends [Anndrea and Jenna] in the morning. We require ourselves to do 20 minutes and one mile. Man, I know that's not much but it sometimes completely kicks my butt! And often we do up to 40 minutes and two miles. I guess the point is I'm working on building up my tiem and stamina and doing that every week day.
...
Me: I love that I know what to do with my body. It's crazy windy outside and we didnt' want to walk so my friends and I came to my house and set up three little stations. ONe was the elliptical, one was the exercise ball to work on legs with low-impact jumping jacks and the other one was small weights to do arms and abs, biceps, triceps, shoulders etc. And we rotated for about 35 minutes doing the different stations. It was nice to have a real workout and to know how to do it and stay in form. My friends haven't done a lot of working out so I was able to show them different things that woudl make it so they didn't get hurt.
...
Me: I have to tell you, after my back surgery, I told my doctor I just wanted to get back to where I could run 3 miles a day and he was pretty discouraging when he said with my back I probably never would. I'm going to take things easy and do the exercises I know I can and hope that one day maybe I can prove him wrong.
Lisa: Running is probably not the best exercise for back issues- that's probably why he said that. But.... who knows man? Take off the weight and you'll BE a new person!
September 23, 2017
Okay so I slipped a little yesterday. I didn't go over calories but we had cafe Rio salad. I had a whole wheat tortilla, ate most of that then checked the calories, OUCH shouldn't have done that! ANYWAY, felt like acknowledgement was necessary for me. Today is a new day...
September 25, 2017
So I weighed in this morning... 297.4. I have been making good choices and under calories each day. I have found that a couple of times I have eaten a HUGE salad, sometimes with more protein than necessary and then I'm not hungry for the other meals. I'm getting better at listening to when I'm not hungry but I'm not good at telling when I'm getting hungry. Then I flounder on what is best for me. ... I'm eating clean without being so black and white about things that I can't go out with family and friends. I want to be able to live healthfully and enjoy the company of others. I'm going out with my sister today to red robin. I have looked at the nutritional info of their menu...
My feelings today are split... I am proud of myself for making changes, and I'm losing weight. At the same time I want it to be more, and faster and therefore I think my perfectionism is kicking in to tell me that I"m not doing enough. Sigh. I'm happier feeling proud of myself but is it enough?
Lisa: Teresa!!!! This is NOT a race. It's a journey. It's a lifestyle. it's a daily routine. I understand that you want it to be faster. And there are ways to have you lose weight faster. But in the end-those ways are never a good option because they do not help you build the lifestyle. It's a quick fix and then you gain it all back because you haven't made it a lifestyle. Trust this process! It works. ... You are absolutely doing things right by eating clean and I love that you are not being so black and white about it because really, to be successful you MUST make it work within your life! You are creating YOUR lifestyle. I know you are a bit of a perfectionist but try not to be on this!!
Wow that was a long catching up post. But it feels good to get it out there. Now on to getting healthy!
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