My name is Teresa and I’m NOT an alcoholic, but I AM an addict.

It was April 2009.  My back was getting much better and in March I had ventured out into the garden.  Once again I pushed a little too hard and this time it only took about two weeks to heal.  I guess I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was.

I encountered a talk by Robert D. Hales.  In the beginning he announced he was speaking to a specific group.  He started off with, “Today I speak to all whose freedom to choose has been diminished by the effects of ill-advised choices of the past.” I thought, “Boy I know some people like that!  It’s sad when people make big mistakes in their lives and have to pay for them for a long time.”

He goes on to say, “I speak specifically of choices that have led to excessive debt. . .”  (I know people who have struggled with that for years!  I’m sure glad that I have learned to live within my financial means.)

“. . . and addictions . . .” (“Now that is the WORST!” I’m thinking.  “People lose all control of their choices and how they want to live their lives when they give in to their addictions, I can tell he’s going to list the worst ones next to illustrate how difficult it is to be happy when you’re addicted to something.”)

“. . . to food . . .”  I don’t even really hear the rest of the talk.  I can’t believe that of all the vices people use and become addicted to the first one he listed was FOOD!  He is talking to ME!  I was on my high horse about the great choices I have made in my life and here I sit, ADDICTED!  To FOOD!  And thousands of people have just heard on television that being addicted, even to food, can make your life miserable!

I finally admitted to myself that I am addicted to food.  I have been using food to stuff my feelings and quench an unquenchable emotional thirst.   I’ll tell you how I recognized addiction in myself.  I used to be embarrassed about the things that showed me that I have a problem, but now I recognize them as the signs that pointed me in the right direction.

First, when I would eat, even if the food was mediocre, I would still eat until my stomach hurt and I was miserable afterward.  If the food was exceptional, I would eat even past the misery.

Another sign I learned to recognize was that I would eat unconsciously unless I felt that someone else was conscious of how much I was eating.  Then instead of changing what I was eating I would just be self conscious and try (in vain) to hide my eating, or make it look like I wasn’t eating as much as I did.

Even if I was trying to be conscious of my eating and went to a party, I would be thinking more about the treats on the table than the conversation with friends.  The food would call to me; I would know in a glance how many of my favorite treats were left on the table.  The conversation with friends was secondary to the debate about food going on in my head.

After I admitted to myself that I had a problem and started eating consciously, I heard the food calling me.  I didn’t need more nutrition or nourishment, but it still called.  I turned inward and asked myself why I wanted food.  I felt something I had not felt before:

I was lonely.  I had denied myself access to excess or unhealthy food, which had become one of my best “friends”, one who would comfort me when I was down; one who was always there for me.

I had self-doubt.  I was afraid of the other feelings that would come to the surface if I stopped using food to stuff the feelings away.

I was afraid.  Afraid I would again turn to this dangerous and hurtful “friend”.

All of these thoughts and feelings told me I am addicted and MUST do something about it.  Recognizing the problem is half the battle!  Now I use food to fuel my body and not as a substance to squelch my emotions or for any other reason.  It sounds like a simple change of mind and heart but believe me it is a daily battle. Finally I am winning.

What about you?  What signs of food addiction have you seen in your life?  And what have you done to overcome that addiction?